Chicken C. asked:

This is from an email.

The Dillard’s Shopping Bag

(This is just too funny! This could only be true; you simply can’t make this stuff up!)

Clutching their Dillard’s shopping bags, Ellen and Kay woefully gazed down at a dead cat in the mall parking lot. Obviously a recent hit—no flies, no smell. What business could that poor kitty have had here?” murmured Ellen.

“Come on, Ellen, let’s just go…”

But Ellen had already grabbed her shopping bag and was explaining, “I’ll just put my things in your bag, and then I’ll take the tissue”. She dumped her purchases into Kay’s bag and then used the tissue paper to cradle and lower the former feline into her own Dillard’s bag and cover it.

They continued the short trek to the car in silence, stashing their goods in the trunk But it occurred to both of them that if they left Ellen’s burial bag in the trunk, warmed by the sunshine while they ate, Kay’s Lumina would soon lose that new-car smell. They decided to leave the bag on top of the trunk, and they headed over to Luby’s Cafeteria. After they cleared the serving line and sat down at a window table, they had a view of Kay’s Chevy with the Dillard’s bag still on the trunk. BUT not for long! As they ate, they noticed a black-haired woman in a red gingham shirt stroll by their car, look quickly this way and that, and then hook the Dillard’s bag without Breaking stride. She quickly walked out of their line of vision. Kay and Ellen shot each other a wide-eyed look of amazement.

It all happened so fast that neither of them could think how to respond. “Can you imagine?” finally sputtered Ellen. “The nerve of that woman!” Kay sympathized with Ellen, but inwardly a laugh was building as she thought about the grand surprise awaiting the red-gingham thief. Just when she thought she’d have to giggle into her napkin, she noticed Ellen’s eyes freeze in the direction of the serving line. Following her gaze, Kay recognized with a shock the black-haired woman with THE Dillard’s bag, hanging from her arm, brazenly pushing her tray toward the cashier. Helplessly, they watched the scene unfold: After clearing the register, the woman settled at a table across from theirs, put the bag on an empty chair and began to eat. After a few bites of baked whitefish and green beans, she casually lifted th e bag into her lap to survey her treasure Looking from side to side, but not far enough to notice her rapt audience three tables over, she pulled out the tissue paper and peered into the bag. Her eyes widened, and she began to make a sort of gasping noise. The noise grew . The bag slid from her lap as she sank to the floor, wheezing and clutching her upper chest. The beverage cart attendant quickly recognized a customer in trouble and sent the busboy to call 911, while he administered the Heimlich maneuver. A crowd quickly gathered that did not include Ellen and Kay, who remained riveted to their chairs for seven whole minutes until the ambulance arrived.

In a matter of minutes the curly-haired woman emerged from the crowd, still gasping, strapped securely on a gurney. Two well-trained EMS volunteers steered her to the waiting ambulance, while a third scooped up her belongings.

The last they saw of the distressed cat-burglar, she disappeared behind the ambulance doors, ……………. The Dillard’s bag perched on her stomach!!

This just shows that, God does have a sense of humor.

(AND once in awhile….He allows us to witness it.)

vclover asked:

now i know some blondes dont like them but have a good atitude im a blonde and i still like them.so here

Blonde Car Accident
One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck’s driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what’s so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, “When you weren’t looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!”

Blonde Sky Divers
A blonde and a brunette are skydiving.

The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord — nothing happens.

She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing.

The blonde finally jumps out of the plane and yells “Oh! So you wanna race, huh?”

Boat troubles
During late spring one year, a blonde was trying out her new boat. She was unable to have her boat perform, travel through water, or do any maneuvers whatsoever no matter how hard she tried.

After trying for over three days to make it work properly, she decided to seek help. She putted the boat over to the local marina in hopes that someone there could identify her problem.

Workers determined that everything from the engine to the outdrive was working perfectly on the topside of the boat. So, a puzzled marina employee jumped into the water to check underneath the boat for problems. Because he was laughing so hard, he came up choking on water and gasping for air. Under the boat, still strapped in place securely, was the trailer.

Do you realize what I am?
A blonde was telling her priest a Pollock joke, when halfway through the priest interrupts her, “Don’t you know I’m Polish?”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” the blonde apologizes, “do you want me to start over and talk slower?”

Your kid has been kidnapped
A blonde, out of money and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom.

She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, “I’ve kidnapped you.”

She then wrote a big note saying, “I’ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde.”

The blonde then pinned the note to the kid’s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, “How could you do this to a fellow blonde?”

Make it off the island
There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, “I’m going to try to swim to shore.” So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

The second one, the redhead, said to herself, “I wonder if she made it. I guess it’s better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve.” So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

So the blonde thought to herself, “I wonder if they made it! I think I’d better try to make it, too.” So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, fifteen miles, and finally nineteen miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, “I’m too tired to go on!” So she swam back.

Blondes change a lightbulb
Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911:

Blonde: We need help. We’re three blondes changing a light bulb.

Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?

Blonde: Yes.

Operator: The power in the house in on?

Blonde: Of course.

Operator: And the switch is on?

Blonde: Yes, yes.

Operator: And the bulb still won’t light up?

Blonde: No, it’s working fine.

Operator: Then what’s the problem?

Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around, and we all fell and hurt ourselves.

Let’s take a trip to Disney
Two blondes had driven across the country to see Disney World in Florida.

As they approached it and got onto the final stretch of highway, they saw a sign saying “Disney World Left!”

After thinking for a minute, the driver blonde said “Oh well!” and started driving back home.

Duckie 26 asked:

Find the solution to the following puzzle: Shipping the diamond. A person must send a 200 carat polished diamond (or something quite valuable) to a customer, through an untrustworthy carrier, who supplies the person a container but does not know the contents that will go into the box. The sending person and the recipient customer both have a lock with a key that is not identical. The carrier’s transportation can be repeated. How will the sending person securely send the diamond to the customer without the carrier taking the contents and run away with it? What is the concept behind the solution?

Guevara asked:

The Computer-Illiterate Support Call

“Hello, Raymond Michaels, computer assistant, may I help you?”
“Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”
“What sort of trouble?”
“Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”
“Went away?”
“They disappeared.”
“Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?”
“Nothing.”
“Nothing?”
“It’s blank. It won’t accept anything when I type.”
“Are you still in WordPerfect or did you get out?”
“How do I tell?”
[Uh-oh. Well, let's give it a try anyway.]
“Can you see the C-prompt on the screen?”
“What’s a sea prompt?”
[Uh-huh. I thought so. Let's try a different tactic.]
“Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?”
“There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.”
[Ah, at least he knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a hardware problem. I wonder if he kicked out his monitor's power plug.]
“Does your monitor have a power indicator?”
“What’s a monitor?”
“It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?”
“I don’t know.”
“Well, then look at the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?”
[Sound of rustling and jostling.]
“Yes, I think so.”
“Great! Follow the cord to the plug and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.”
[Pause.]
“Yes, it is.”
[Hmm. Well, that's interesting. I doubt he would have accidentally turned it off, and I don't want to send him hunting for the switch because I don't know what kind of monitor he has and it's bound to have more than one switch on it. Maybe the video cable is loose or something.]
“When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?”
“No.”
“Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.”
“Okay, here it is.”
“Follow it for me and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.”
“I can’t reach it.”
“Uh-huh. Well, can you see if it is?”
“No.”
“Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?”
“Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle– it’s because it’s dark.”
“Dark?”
“Yes. The office light is off and the only light I have is coming from the window.”
“Well, turn on the office light then.”
“I can’t.”
“No? Why not?”
“Because there’s a power outage.”
“A Power–”
[AAAAAAAArgh!]
“A power outage? Aha! Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?”
“Well, yes, I kept them in the closet.”
“Good! Go get them, unplug your system, and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.”
“Really? Is it that bad?”
“Yes, I’m afraid it is.”
“Well, all right then, I suppose. What should I tell them?”
“Tell them you’re too stupid to own a computer.”
[Click.]

- asked:

You want to send a valuable object to a friend securely. You have a box which can be fitted with multiple locks, and you have several locks and their corresponding keys. However, your friend does not have any keys to your locks, and if you send a key in an unlocked box, the key could be copied en route. How can you send the object securely?