It’s school HWK, I won’t bother putting my age down, just tell me, do you like it? It’s long and complicated so I won’t dare bore you with it all, ^^)

Thanks, x
Fear. What exactly is it? Everybody has felt a moment in their lives where they really are stuck for words – speechless, gobsmacked, whatever. Does one really know the cause of such anguish, why their adrenal glands actually secrete adrenaline into their blood stream, sending their bodies into ‘survival’ mode? Happiness is one of a small handful of feelings to be cherished during any one lifetime, others? Hmm, pleasure, love, passion. So why is it that fear, a measly feeling such as fear, has the longest lasting effects? Sure, everybody remembers the good times, when kids could run around in their own neighbourhood, shouting wildly at one another. Having the time of their lives. Until fear sets in. One summer’s day, an idiot, one moronic idiot thought, “What’s the harm in taking one of these ****** down to the woods and playing a few games, huh?” Oh, now everybody remembers that. The bad shall always outweigh the good, no matter how much of a good time you’ve enjoyed. One of life’s stories I learnt the hard way.

And as I stand here, gasping for breath; memories of the one I love, the one that shall always truly need me no matter what, the same being I cradled in my arms the day she was born – I feel sick to the bone. How could I have let this happen? Surely this is none other’s fault. I promised myself, my wife, and my daughter that they’d never be alone.

The sweet scent already faded, I clasp her pillow case to my chest, cradling it there. Sitting in this bare room, the walls loom so greatly over me. Walls I’ve put up in an effort to seize the flow of my emotions. I stand, feet rooted to the ground, and look around. That all too familiar mustery feel lingers in the air – the one that keeps you securely in that ever-lasting time warp of commotion. One could compare it to the opening of a very old box, being unable to close it so one loiters there, unwillingly but all the while intrigued. Her room: pink, bubbly, full of life and happiness. I begin to rummage in her draws, oh damn it, what’s the point anymore? There isn’t a secret key hidden between her favourite magazines, is there? The key doesn’t unlock a secret door in her panelling, does it? It won’t reunite me with my little girl. In all my efforts, can I truly call her that, “my little girl”? They grow up, all we are; apart from being their “annoyingly embarrassing parents” are their free rides to adulthood.

But hey, there’s no tellin’ what fate has in store for you, who thought that I’d be the one left in this world. Being the ‘father at home,’ I’ve let a lot of people down in my time. I’m on the winding path of trying to make amends. It seems as if life isn’t going my way. Failure, after failure, after failure; a very short sentence that sums me up very well. Now, I’m not one to believe in some sort of eternal being whether it be Buddha or that Jewish God, Adonai, though I’d once. I must admit these past few years I’ve been seeking out some sort of guidance, from whom? I don’t know, that lady up in heaven? Perhaps, silly.

The phone rings that melodic hum encouraging me to pick up, I check the caller ID, Kim: my sister. I let it go into voice mail, listening to my cheery voice asking the caller to leave a message, promising that I’d get back to them ASAP.

“Kyle, Kyle. Answer my calls, I know you’re there. You mustn’t blame yourself,” she says, as Claudia pretends she’s a fire-fighter – she just doesn’t understand.