Comments on: Your thoughts on.? http://ssend.com/blog/your-thoughts-on/ SSend.com Wed, 08 Sep 2010 10:28:07 -0400 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.8.6 hourly 1 By: Shauna http://ssend.com/blog/your-thoughts-on/comment-page-1/#comment-654 Shauna Wed, 20 Jan 2010 01:31:48 +0000 http://ssend.com/blog/your-thoughts-on/#comment-654 You start by just making your main character leave the house. I am not told her name (you could have had her mum say it) and I am basically just thrown into the story. I hope i am introduced to her more properly as the story goes on from there. The 'enchanted forest' is a bit predictable and worn out. And all of these superstitious people, you could tell me more about the history of the legends and go a little more into why she doesn't believe it and whether there is anyone else who shares her thoughts or if she's the only one. Why is iron gate written as Iron Gate. You describe it as old and rusted and nothing special so why the capitals? I'm assuming that it's what everyone calls it or something and i hope so because if not it's a bit odd. You jump straight into your character seeing this war or something or other. Why so soon into the story? You could have made her visit with nothing happening lulling her and myself the reader into a false sense of security. Then when she returns she meets this blonde blue eyed woman and as she sees the redhead approaching hides behind the tree and sees her burned to ashes. There could be a moment where a gasp escapes her lips and the redhead looks up creating a moment of panic. So far it is very good the describing and your vocabulary range are brilliant. There's room for a lot of improvement though. You start by just making your main character leave the house. I am not told her name (you could have had her mum say it) and I am basically just thrown into the story. I hope i am introduced to her more properly as the story goes on from there. The ‘enchanted forest’ is a bit predictable and worn out. And all of these superstitious people, you could tell me more about the history of the legends and go a little more into why she doesn’t believe it and whether there is anyone else who shares her thoughts or if she’s the only one. Why is iron gate written as Iron Gate. You describe it as old and rusted and nothing special so why the capitals? I’m assuming that it’s what everyone calls it or something and i hope so because if not it’s a bit odd. You jump straight into your character seeing this war or something or other. Why so soon into the story? You could have made her visit with nothing happening lulling her and myself the reader into a false sense of security. Then when she returns she meets this blonde blue eyed woman and as she sees the redhead approaching hides behind the tree and sees her burned to ashes. There could be a moment where a gasp escapes her lips and the redhead looks up creating a moment of panic. So far it is very good the describing and your vocabulary range are brilliant. There’s room for a lot of improvement though.

]]> By: Pecos Bill http://ssend.com/blog/your-thoughts-on/comment-page-1/#comment-653 Pecos Bill Tue, 19 Jan 2010 13:56:31 +0000 http://ssend.com/blog/your-thoughts-on/#comment-653 Your story is ok but it begins in a very boring manner. You don't need to explain everything at the beginning, just start with the story. Begin with the exciting part and then use flashbacks and conversations to tell the history later on. Your story doesn't really begin until about halfway down what you posted. Also you should drop the first-person narrative. It doesn't work well and you start far too many sentences with the word 'I'. There's nothing wrong with your story, you just need to clean it up. Your story is ok but it begins in a very boring manner. You don’t need to explain everything at the beginning, just start with the story. Begin with the exciting part and then use flashbacks and conversations to tell the history later on. Your story doesn’t really begin until about halfway down what you posted. Also you should drop the first-person narrative. It doesn’t work well and you start far too many sentences with the word ‘I’.

There’s nothing wrong with your story, you just need to clean it up.

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